i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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