Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
