She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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