i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
