When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize