i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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