Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
