did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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