girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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