There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
