Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
