I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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