You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
two words: eviction party
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Randomize
