They should really pass out barf bags in church
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
