i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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