i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
