I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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