how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
