You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
