I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
