Already got asked if we're dating
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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