Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
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