Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
