the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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