So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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