Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
