did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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