if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
