i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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