Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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