Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize