the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Everyone says I win the strip club
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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