I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
