If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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