I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
