The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
