he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
This is the high leading the old right now
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
