Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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