Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
