We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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