My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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