i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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