He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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