$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
