my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
