Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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