I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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