$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
