so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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