The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
