I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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