if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
