happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
