it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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