you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
