ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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