I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
