My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize