No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
