We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'd cum for enchiladas.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
