now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
