I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
