You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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