I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
