i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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