Tell her she can't have a vagina
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
